The Roots of Conflict — And Why Contrary Thinking Matters in Family Enterprise

While reading Amanda Ripley’s article “What’s really behind the spectacular Trump-Musk feud?” Article in the Washington Post (June 12, 2025) I was struck by a simple framework she identified.

She quoted the works of Howard Markman and Esther Perel, outlining four core root causes for most human conflict:

1. Respect and recognition.

2. Power and control.

3. Care and concern. (e.g. “Do you love me?”)

4. Stress and anxiety. (e.g. “I’m exhausted and depleted, and I’m taking it out on you”)

In our work as Family Enterprise Advisors, we often see conflicts arising in families, particularly with families in transition. Experience has shown us that we will often see one of these four causes, but note that it is often mistaken for business-related complexities.

Understanding these nuances gives us an advantage. When we engage with conflict resolution solutions, like Alexander Hiam's Dealing with Conflict Instrument, it would also be useful to keep these in mind.; understanding the root cause of the conflict isn’t about applying a formula; it is about understanding human needs. By identifying and addressing a dispute's emotional or psychological root, we become far better equipped to help a family move forward.

In the 1954 book The Art of Contrary Thinking by Humphrey B. Neill, he writes the following regarding providing advice:

The Art of Contrary Thinking

“I believe it to be true psychological fact that one cannot be objective and at the same time render advice. You cannot be personal and impersonal at the same time. When one offers advice his mind is naturally focused on “hoping” to make the advice come right, rather than on objective and realistic viewpoints that might influence the advice.”

Advice and Objectivity

I believe his comments were intended to recognize when we become non-objective, not to suggest we should not offer advice. When we offer a solution in any situation, we become invested in seeing it succeed. However, this can also create a blind spot where we miss or dismiss ideas that don’t align with the original proposed solution.

At Blackwood, we believe it is important to incorporate contrary thinking into our facilitation to ensure we flush out all potential solutions. Our two-advisor approach helps us honour this objective by creating space for differing opinions and healthy debate. Through this approach, we can challenge any advice or solutions, even our own, to ensure the best possible solutions are presented.

Neill expands on this in the chapter “More on the Contrary Approach to Creative Thinking” where he quotes Mr. Zuce Kogan, author of Essentials in Problem Solving. Kogan suggests that all creativity comes from contrary thinking. He supports this by saying that creativity comes from change and change requires contrary thought. It is easy to follow an established path, but change does not happen without challenging the norm. To quote W.C. Fields, “Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream”.

Innovation over Consensus

As family enterprise advisors and facilitators, we’re not just mediators — we’re charged with helping you find clarity, creativity, and continuity.  As we facilitate, we must be conscious of group thinking to ensure we hold space for contrary thinking. When we recognize the root causes behind conflict — and have the courage to question the norm — we will always find more sustainable and robust outcomes for the families we serve.